[Interviewer]: Why is your generation so paranoid?

[Interviewee]: Who said we're paranoid?

[I]: It was on TV.

[I]: Oh. Maybe it's all the drugs.

[I]: Would you call yourself a neo-hippie bourgeois activist?

[I]: Sometimes. No. Yes. I mean, I worry about animal rights & the Environment. And sweatshops.

[I]: Nowadays there are so many options and varieties to choose from.

[I]: Mostly I am an Artist, though.

[I]: Why the quantifier/capitalization?

[I]: Uh. Yes.

[I]: When did you start learning about/studying art and art theory?

[I]: Art? Um...Actually, my primary focus is punctuation, and women's toes. Entrenched pan-capitalization systems/structures. (Con)temporary phonetic situations/zones of autonomous violence. I have a secret intimate relationship with the tilde, for instance. It's an S&M tickling fetish of sorts. For the most part.

[I]: Is this a somewhat veiled reference to your identification of yourself as a Chicano artist?

[I]: Who said I'm a Chicano artist?

[I]: It was on TV.

[I]: Oh. Maybe I shouldn't skim over the commercials so quickly.

[I]: Yes. Maybe. How do you respond to critics of your un(published) first book of crap/short stories?

[I]: TV critics?

[I]: And more importantly, what's with all the accent marks and upside down punctuation anyway?

[I]: Mostly it has to do with how seriously you take yourself.

[I]: Do you think your generation takes itself too seriously?

[I]: Why?

[I]: No, X.

[I]: What?

[I]: Whom do you see when you look in the mirror?

[I]: I don't own a mirror?

[I]: How do you groom yourself in the morning then?

[I]: I don't groom myself in the morning. I groom myself at random undisclosed light/time/space interstices scattered throughout the day/millennium/primal protoplasm by way of a complex system of pulleys and video cameras and consensus dreams/memories/credit card receipts.

[I]: To which standards of beauty do you ascribe in your grooming/grammatical behavior?

[I]: Proudhonian, mainly. Passé Baudrillardian aesthetics of (dis)appearance. 1:1 ratio Channel 4 News weather maps.

[I]: Do you ever worry that the map is not actually the territory? Or that the blue screen is not actually a map?

[I]: It's interesting you bring that up.

...[awkward silence; unintelligible mumbling; cough]...

[I]: Yes...So then. What is your favorite punctuation symbol?

[I]: Sunlight.

[I]: Is this in any way at all related to the common perception that a great deal of fictional English dialogue rendered between fictional Latin@s seems to contain no discernible contractions whatsoever?

[I]: Well, it has been scientifically proven--like all agents of sedition/chaos, apostrophes and the vernacular go mano-en-mano. (According to Nebrija, that means hand-in-hand. Or something.)

[I]: I see. Talk to us more about your italicized use of Spanish and non-contracted English.

[I]: Well, basically it's a quick and easy way to establish my ethnicity within a safe, parenthetical construct of opposition. And it sells books, too!

[I]: Ha ha ha, yes...but...couldn't you say that in a more...subtle, less self-...reflexive way, perhaps?

[I]: No. No. TV.

[I]: Or not.

~[insert commercial break here]~

[I]: Hi we're back. Thank you for joining us. If you're just tuning in, we'd like to welcome you to an exclusive 1:1 interview. Thanks for being here.

[I]: Thanks for having me.

[I]: Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get a little more personal. Is that okay with you?

[I]: Fire away.

[I]: Are you aware that you have been secretly documented/recorded/ridiculed for the past two years?

[I]: By who?

[I]: Whom?

[I]: By whom?

[I]: The State/Media death apparatus, of course.

[I]: Oh. Whew, that's a relief. I thought you were going to say by artists mimicking the State/Media death apparatus.

[I]: Well I was going to say that, but I assumed you would figure that out for yourself eventually.

...[awkward silence]...

[I]: The thing is, I am the audience. Audience of One. And the spectators are...well...

[I]: Ah--an inversion of spectacle!

[I]: Yes. Inversiones.

[I]: That's not actually a direct translation.

[I]: It never is.

...[more awkward silence]...

[I]: See, I play the part of a neurotic, self-doubting/centered identity-conflicted "writer" who wants to be/live like a "serious" Artist. Part of my role is to act unaware of the acting being perpetrated by others around me in artificial, inorganic situations--

[I]: As opposed to real situations.

[I]: As opposed to real situations, yes. For example, I pretend to take seriously the flirtations of the "Young Vamp" actress, even to the point of affecting a blush and kicking my feet around. Or, I pretend to be a chess enthusiast, when I've never played a game in my life. (I couldn’t even tell you a pawn from a horse!) Or, I'll say ridiculous things to the media--newspapers, radio, television, internet/email...and then pretend not to realize it when others obliquely criticize/make fun of what I’ve said.

[I]: And has this anti-situationist approach worked for you?

[I]: Well, it hasn't gotten me any dates lately, if that's what you mean. [chuckles]

[I]: Ah yes. [dry laughter; throat-clearing] So is this a role you prepared for...or kind of grew into over time?

[I]: Actually, the role grew into me.

[I]: Right. Fascinating. And is there ever any fear of overlap between the role and actual reality?

...[silence; mumbling]...

[I]: Um. Well, tell us about malice.

[I]: I don't know why malice. I've seen good people hurt others out of ignorance, or for profit, and I can at least understand that. But pure malice? Maybe this is an urban thing.

[I]: Schadenfreude, perhaps?

[I]: Sorry, I don't speak Italian. But maybe malice is a form of ignorance?

[I]: Um...yes. Or maybe ignorance is a form of malice.

[I]: I don't follow you.

[I]: Ignorance as conscious guerrilla tactic.

[I]: Um.

[I]: (non)Ignorance as violent (in)Action.

[I]: Ignore me, please.

[I]: Change the channel.

[I]: Turn it off now.

[I]: See.