green & gray

what? you know. you know the place. wait, are you serious? are you really requesting this information from me? for what purpose, exactly?

i don’t know, right around green & gray. or something.

figure it out, i’m in battle mode right now, caught me at a bad time, me against the world etc. everything reads as an attack.

fuzzy memory. half-dream fade. i don’ t know. google it.

you might find it again. but it won’t be the same.

“LOOK, BUDDY—DON’T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU ON THIS ONE, OKAY?”

“jesus, what’s wrong with that guy? is this what s/he meant by organic?”

so i'm walking around, i'm walking around and you know, i'm i’ve got...all these i've got these characters, thinking about all these characters, i could be, talking to myself in my head out loud whatever etc. and i’m thinking who can i share this with right who will play along and bounce bounce right now it’s called right now it’s called a dialogue bouncing from point to point all points it’s called you must imagine that you are dying of thirst you must imagine you must imagine and you must create or you will surely die of thirst, you will surely choke and die and rot and decompose with your eyes and nostrils wide open to take it all in and you must never go back there because it will not be the same you must trust me on this you must all the molecules changed all the must you all the energy subatomic flesh smells tastes words what you and i discussed swept out the door with us into the cold that night and a few clung on maybe in the sudden brush of our shoulders as we walked side by side okay that’s fine but just a few but regardless you must know that there are other places other colors orange yellow maroon a deep blue is this what s/he meant by fuzzy halfdream memory already fading already gone do not go back return do not attempt to return there is something in this attempt that shreds it and there are places in this city that are secret and sacred and so many sites so many of places of magic and if you shred this one then that is a refusal to see the rest and build/find all the others to see that i pull them off leaf by leaf and save the heart for those who can smell and taste the purposes of mystery and for the rest a confusing map of inaccurate street names misdirected arrows non-existent parks—

an inventory, an imaginary invisible map that will never exist, they can torture me all they want but i will never disclose the following locations, which fall outside their line of sight, which fall outside their ability to comprehend and grasp, which fall in place around a true fall, and then dissipate:

• —magickal pirate treasure island, surrounded by green water; froggy sentinal keeping watch
• —beached iron sea dinosaur, extinct, fins on tarmac, hiding in the folds of sereno
• —oz crawling up a tiled hillside of psychedelic colors
• —a weeping fire hydrant that leaks images of mickey mouse and tonantzin onto sidewalk concrete
• —la virgen de guadalupe making peace with huitzilopochtli on a brick wall; cracked
• —the top of a yellow hill the hill falling abruptly down into the mouth of lincoln heights; in the distance chinatown, the bridges, the dull whisper of the 5; in our heads memories of fake cholos tumbling like wind through dried grass vatos locos forever nothing in here is for free etc.
• —an elementary school that i dreamed of once and then saw for the first time afterward
• —the spot where i drove up and caught them together in his car
• —occupied/disrupted intersection 1 (anarchists, hippies, communists)
• —occupied/disrupted intersection 2 (anarchists, liberals, labor union organizers, workers)
• —occupied/disrupted intersections etc. (migrant workers/families, anarchists, communists, radio announcers, Catholics, etc.)
• —corner of first and spring, exiting california superior court, the last time we ever spoke
• —philippe’s
• —all the places that you and i have not yet found/created/hidden/destroyed

there’s a thousand more at least but you get the picture i.e. this city is inside me now these maps these sites these visions all jumbled up secret routes hidden pathways escape hatches surprise doorways puddles of vomit puddles of urine human waste hope desire fingertips on fingertips mine on yours my eyes on yours a line of sight a sacred site and where are you this infinite ritual this ceremony and you want to know where the don’t you realize are you serious you do you realize that i can smell you i can smell the desire threat competition unfolding future from several thousand miles away if i want to cosmic monkey dance with nostrils flared and feet slapping bare on sidewalks and streets and all around our twins crossing paths, it’s true, i have met the same person over and over and s/he has met me over and over and we are magnets all of us but it’s never quite the same always variations but this is neither good nor bad just human just reason to never attempt to go back because i am walking around and i am i am you i your i am your other you are my other me close your eyes so that you can see...green at the corner of gray, between you, and me.



WATCH
Mamma Roma (Pasolini, 1962)
Inland Empire (Lynch, 2006)
Skammen aka "Shame" (Bergman, 1968)
Shadows (Cassavetes, 1959)
Volver (Almodóvar, 2006)